Kinky Things

Gardens are romantic. Orangutans are romantic. Taking advantage of the intrinsic romance in kinky things obviously depends upon recognizing which things are kinky. The rule is simple. Hairy things are kinky. If you see a food product in a grocery store that comes in a hairy package, get it, because there’s a very good chance it’s kinky.

Purple

Purple is romantic, because purple is the color of love and passion. Consider roses. Purple roses mean, “I love you.” Brown roses mean, “Let’s just be friends,” which is synonymous with, “You are bladder, and I hate you.” So you do not want to be wrong. Get her purple roses, purple lines of coke, purple chickens, purple gardens, and purple walruses, and she’ll fall hopelessly under your spell.

The Most Intrinsically Romantic Thing Ever

Based on the data above, the single most romantic thing in the universe can be calculated scientifically. It is, simply, a hairy purple pool made out of chocolate and shaped like a monkey holding a jizz with orangutans all over it that licks a face when you smack it.

Thank you, MadLibs!

THE END

dyd wakes from a horrible nightmare. [scrapped because it was impossible - he is still in a million little pieces]

Gryphon Gal emerged from the smoke and debris, donned in a dominatrix suit. Ederoo’s boots were drenched in blood, as were his hands and face, the look in his eyes screamed ‘bloody, bloody murder’. But he quickly changed his mind when he looked down and saw Gryphon Gal’s perfect hourglass figure. In a fit of lust and one smooth motion, he swooped GryphonGal off the ground and buried his tongue in her mouth. He was disconcerted to realize that his tongue was not the only foreign object in Gryphon Gal’s mouth, for kraken’s soul was also buried inside there. As his tongue was still wiggling about in GryphonGal’s throat, he started to feel the icy chill of kraken’s tentacles creep up his bloodied face.

“My precioussssss” the spirit of kraken croaked. With his hand on his cock, with his tongue in her throat, Ederoo’s essence reached its throes of sexual release; the tentacles began to engulf his face wholly and completely, and Ederoo knew what he had to do. He had the find the one ring to bind them all.

The one binding thing was himself, and little by little he began to eat the tentacles and the face it engulfed from, with his muscle bound arms he held GryphonGal firmly in place; and in between bites he managed to yell “FOR VELVETITIS! FOR DYD! FOR FREEDOM!”

With that, he came again – came again to the realization that life is nothing but a donut in disguise.

And they all stood hand in hand and mourned the bamnation of Velvet(itis) from the land of Studentawards; while simultaneously cursing the mods (Cough, cough: GryphonGal) – as Ederoo lowered the casket into the grave-hole, he knew that he had to avenge the death of Velvet by killing the one and only postdeletor GryphonGal. Ederoo wiped the tears that streamed down his rosy cheeks with his sleeve and blew his nose into a kerchief, sniffling “Why, why velvet?” as he did so. They lived happily ever after as the ENTIRE story was now finished.

Or so dyd thought anyway, when all of a sudden, Gryphon Gal swooped down from a roflcopter and kidnapped dyd the virgin! Dyd said, “Did you not see me putting down “/thread”?!”

GryphonGal said, “No, I didn’t. Now shush.” At that moment, ederoo checked his inbox and received love notes from GryphonGal. It said, “I love how you have no life cuz u already got 1600 posts on SA, and that’s your third account.” To which ederoo responded, “This is actually my 9th account, and I work a full time job at which I surf SA all day, thus explaining the 1600 posts”. Ederoo then went to Guns and Ammo, bought an ingram, and headed north back to the official Studentawards headquarters. GryphonGal must die.

On the way there, however, the gang accidentally fell into a wormhole. The wormhole led to the SA head office, where the mods banned everyone except dyd. The reason for this exclusion was that the mods had reserved a special kind of punishment for dyd: death by microwavation.

dyd exploded.

But O. Tannenbaum didn’t realize the events in her dream were actually metaphors for painful memories she’d repressed years ago. Three years ago, when she obtained her PhD in monkey neuroscience, dyd entered her life, begging her for a cure to his rampant gonorrhea.

“I only gots this because me pals threw used Jimmies at me while me was sleepin’!” the virgin admitted. Dyd was butthurt that he had gotten an STD without ever losing his virginity, so he dedicated his life from then on forth to surprise buttsecksing random strangers. O. Tannenbaum made a fortune from selling her patented cure for gonorrhea to dyd’s unsuspecting victims. GryphonGal gleefully used her banhammer on some inappropriate posts in a game thread.

Then the unthinkable happened: ederoo appeared in a billowing cape and Zorro mask. All the while having a sausage stuffed up his ass. The Oktoberfest sausage was slightly roasted, emitted a hot bacon scent, and peeped out from under his black cape occasionally. Dyddles, Velvet and Ederoo stood facing each other awkwardly, until Ederoo whipped the sausage out of his arse and charged at dyddles and velvet!

Dyd and Velvet were paralyzed with mortification as they stared at the slime-covered sausage charging towards them. Dyddles and Velvet on impulse whipped their respective dicks out and desperately tried to get an erection to charge Ederoo!

“We came as soon as you called,” said the two dicks, Holmes and Watson, who appeared out of nowhere, and carried a giant statue of the Dalai Lama on their backs, “and we will try to erect His Holiness as soon as possible.”

“RAWOR!”  they yelled as the dicks charged!

Ederoo was taken aback by the two sexiest dicks alive, but gladly welcomed the manly ejaculate they emitted from their throats. Soon Ederoo was swallowed by the penal discharge of the two Engineering Scientists; he yelled “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” as he was swallowed by the thick viscousness.

“In case you’re wondering, ederoo,” smirked velvet as he and the others dump more viscous fluid over the naked cape boy, “this gunk that we’re pouring over you is a new liquid polymer developed at our labs. Actually, I lied. It’s actually a stew made from the grossest parts of SA members.”

Ederoo’s head was the only part of his body that was not buried in the gunk. “So Ederoo” said Velvet as he slowly unzipped his zipper, “Seeing as you’re my prisoner, I’ve decided to feed you lunch before I galavant off to make sweet love to Gryphon Gal. Enjoy your cockmeat sandwich!”

“No thanks,” said Ederoo as he eyed distastefully the still living rooster, whose head was sandwiched between two slices of bread that were glued on with mayo, that hobbled out of the zippered backpack velvet was carrying on his back, “I’d rather have ham than cockmeat, if you will.”

The rooster, hearing this, seized his chance to escape and bolted, the pieces of bread flying off his head as he ran. Kraken was delighted when she saw the cock dashing around the corner and charging towards her; she was rather hungry from waiting for a plot twist.

Everyone had good reason to fear Lamoid, for although his reputation often preceded him, it was not unfounded, given that Lamoid had one weapon that was better, larger, and more terrfiying than every man in this story: his sense of humour … not to mention his chick-magnetness. Lamoid frowned: was “chick-magnetness” even a word? They pondered this for three days. During this time, ederoo began knitting the world’s largest rainbow sock, AK17 prayed for God to thwart ederoo’s efforts, velvet set to work on The Great Filipino Novel, kraken snored loudly, sch6les chased scantily-clad Asian chicks in the stacks, and deathangel plotted her glorious return to the novel.

Kraken got tired of this since snoring is boring, so she went to prey on froshies by the Tcard office. ederoo had already beat her there and was already busy fraternizing with the hottest Asian and white frosh girls he could find, using his impressively large rainbow sock as a sexy segue into titillating conversations. “Aren’t those the colors of the LGBT organization?” said a girl who looked exactly like Ederoo, except with longer hair.

Ederoo replied, “No, they’re the colours of the wind!” And with that, everyone in the office burst into song, effectively rendering this story as a musical production.

Luckily for the trio, deathangel never saw this cumming and some of sch6les’ love juice managed to get her in the eye, temporarily blinding her. This gave ederoo enough time to free himself and the others. The mounted their wildebeests and rode back to Toronto, leaving deathangel in the dust.

“That was a close call,” muttered Velvet as he wiped the sweat from his brow and buttcrack. He and ederoo then interrogated sch6les as to the whereabouts of his evil overlord, the Kraken. At the mention of this name, sch6les began to break into a cold sweat. Ederoo then cut a deal, if sch6les gave up the whereabouts of the Kraken, then he could have his sister for 3 minutes and 23 seconds. Sch6les finally spat out the words, “Robarts. 9th floor”.

Before sch6les even had time to lunge for ederoo’s gloriously naked sister, they were at Robarts on the 9th floor, next to a sexy librarian. “Can I help you with anything, kids?” she asked sweetly.

And Velvet whose great profound philosophical thoughts were interrupted by AK17 found himself asking, “Tell me where the Kraken is or I will kill your God!”

“Oh my gosh!” said AK17. “You’re so mean! Stop calling me names!” Then, in a fit of rage, AK17 stormed off.

Suddenly, a loud burp interrupted our heroes’ thoughts. And the crew turned aside in time to dodge AK17′s shoes that were burped by a hungry, soaking wet Kraken.

AK17 returned wielding a field hockey stick yelling “EFF YOU EDEROO!” and attempts to bash his head in. With lightning fast reflexes, ederoo parried the blow and delivered a jaw shattering left hook rendering her unconscious on the ground. Ederoo and velvet continued their search for a weapon to defeat The Kraken with the help of their troll friend gollum…errr….sch6les.

During the search for a weapon, Ederoo and Velvet couldn’t help but notice that AK17′s clothes had mysteriously vanished, leaving behind her perfectly naked body… and breasts. Very hairy breasts.

Cue the arrival of EngSciDude and AznEngKid from different directions, yelling “I smell naked woman!”  Upon sighting AK17, their smiles faded as they saw that her bountiful bosom was sheathed by a small forest of hair that stretched down to her knees.

Velvet scratched his ass, cleared his throat uncomfortably, and said to AK17, “Have you ever thought about…” he imitated the motion of shaving his chest, “that?”

AK was still unconscious on the ground with a shattered jaw, so she couldn’t really answer at that point in time. At that moment in time EngSciDude had an epiphany at the sight of a nude AK17 lying nude against the stony cold library floor, and so he asked, “So guys, it technically isn’t rape if she’s sleeping, right?”

“This isn’t the time for jungle fever, kid,” grunted Ederoo as he eyed a rather thick engineering book on the top of a shelf. EngSciDude, AznEngKid and Velvet then had a tussle over who got first dibs on AK… but suddenly…. Ederoo took that thick veiny engineering book he was eyeing and brought it down heavily with a mighty thud upon Velvet’s head – BAM! and then there were two limp, unconscious bodies lying on the cold floor of the library, except a pool of blood started seeping from Velvet’s head.

AznEngKid and EngSciDude looked at Ederoo, shocked, and Ederoo covered his face in his hands and muttered “Oh, god… What have I become?”, subsequently Ederoo started crying like a little b!tch over Velvet’s hot naked oily unconscious body.

AK suddenly recovered from her knockout blow by ederoo and evaluated the situation. She saw 3 asian men standing awkwardly and a handsome brown boy lying on the floor unconscious and shirtless. A sudden thought came to her head, “it’s not rape if he’s sleeping right?” She carefully motioned towards Velvet and gave him a peck on the cheek. She then began to stroke his bare chest while licking his face. One thing led to another and within five minutes, the phrase “no sex till marriage” no longer existed in AK’s vocabulary.

Velvet awoke to find himself madly licking EngSciDude’s face. So it was all a dream, he thought sadly. He didn’t really bonk AK17.

“I’m not dead yet,” croaked Velvet once he had fully regained his consciousness, “but if you want me to die, kill me quickly – I don’t want to bleed to death. It’s emasculating.” Through his tear-filled gaze, Ederoo saw a weakly smiling Velvet looking back at him. For the first time in his life, Ederoo noticed how very brown Velvet’s eyes were – the colour of mud, really, or perhaps the assplosion of an infected cow. He noticed, too, how very soft Velvet’s skin was – though that could be from the lube – and how shiny and lustrous Velvet’s hair was.

Velvet, noticing the tender look in Ederoo’s eyes as they ran up and down his body, started to pee a little. “Jesus, Ederoo – I think I just wet myself.”

“And I think,” said Ederoo as he tenderly held Velvet’s hand, “I adore you.”

Ederoo squinted at Velvet, “Dude, sch6les left ages ago, with nothing more than 4 posts to his name. How the hell do we track him down?”.

Velvet, undeterred muttered, “Let’s start by getting to Britain.” Whistling with two fingers on his pouty lips, Velvet summoned a flock of saddled wildebeest that stampeded towards them. The crew then saddled down on the wildebeests and giddy-upped into the sunset, away to Britain.

It was a dark and stormy night in Britain.

And then…. the gang arrived at St. Michael’s Hall in Oxford. They asked where they could find Mr. Sch6les, and were directed to go to Cambridge.

At Cambridge, they found sch6les, who was buried under a pile of esoteric books on 16th century East Asian erotic art objects, at the top of a flight of stairs. At the sight of the Studentawards gang, Sch6les bolted down the stairs.

A harem of petite Asian women stopped him in his tracks. They were armed with AK47s and mesmerizingly large breasts. Ederoo recognized one of them as his sister. He was not pleased. She was nude… and so was he. Sch6les saw this and unsuccessfully tried to hide his instaboner.

“Ederoo!” said his sister, when she caught sight of ederoo’s compromised anatomy, “What happened to your other testicle?”

“That err… I’ll explain later. But tell the girls to stop sch6les right now!” Ederoo said.

With that, the asian women waved their AK47′s as if it were a replacement for a phallus. Their breasts jiggled in the process.

“Felled by Asian breasts,” were sch6les’ last words as he found his face buried by the jigglers.

Ederoo reached into the pocket of his limp body and felt something strangely hard. It felt a few inches long and nor more than two inches in girth. …..he tugged at it slowly and realized that one of his missing fingers had been in sch6les pocket! He seized sch6les by the neck and hollered in sch6les’ face, “You! How did you get this? Who gave it to you?” His limp body gave no response. Ederoo dug into his pocket again and this time pulled out a lock of raven black hair.

“DEATHANGEL!” he yelled. “If sch6les has a lock of deathangel’s hair, then that means she’s still alive!”. Ederoo and velvet exchanged looks and their gazes moved up towards the top of the staircase, where deathangel stood with nothing on but a two-piece bikini.
“Good evening, gentlemen, and welcome to the last hour of your lives,” said deathangel as she sashayed towards the gang. Ederoo and velvet fainted, and sch6les woke up from the noise of their thuds only to pass out again, a blissful look on his face.

Moments passed as the trio slowly regained consciousness. Much to their surprise, the three of them have been bound together with rope as deathangel stood over them donned in a leather bodysuit and whip in hand. Smiling, deathangel cracked the whip on the stone floor and said in a sultry whisper, “You have made me wait too long. For this, you shall all be punished.”